Dear Lauren and Lydia,
I did it again last night. I took a moment when I was tired and done for the day and did the very thing that I would scold you two about and tell you not to ever do. It happens. Just because I know what is right and wrong, best and not good doesn’t mean I always make the right choices either. Maybe sometimes I act like I do.
Lauren you made a poor choice. A really small poor choice…but the kind that feels like sand in my shoes. The kind that feels really irritating and frustrating, especially at the end of the day when I’m tired. I addressed who you are instead of the choice you made. I called you a name just out of a complete lack of self control on my part. I hurt your spirit.
I’m your mom…I hate it when I do those kinds of things because honestly I work all day long most days trying to build you two up and encourage you to be all you are made to be. And then in a single moment of frustration I have this insane ability to rip down every thing that might have been built up otherwise.
So I woke up this morning and thought…”I can’t believe I did that again. Why Ruth…why couldn’t you just respond with kindness and patience and deal with the matter? Why couldn’t you just focus on the solution?” I got up, and fixed the problem right away…it was really no big deal. In fact the reality of how easy of a fix it was leaves me even more puzzled at my reaction last night.
All of this to say…I’m sorry. I did apologize last night…but I knew it fell on deaf ears. I even told Lydia about my mistake last night. And then I crashed in bed for the night.
I am a morning person. Most of this kind of stuff happens at the end of the day for me. The time of day when my reserves on love and kindness seem to disappear. I get frustrated…especially with little stuff, little chores not complete after being reminded, little poor choices, etc. It’s no excuse. Doesn’t matter what kind of a person I am, my response should be love 24/7. I am in no way letting myself off the hook. But I see in the light of the day what happened clearly.
I am human. A woman in need of daily grace. Grace from God and second in line…grace from you two. Eventually…grace more and more from Dane.
I can’t erase or delete. I can’t really go back and fix, beyond solving the problem. Words spoken are like that…they hang there even if sorry’s are said. All I can do is move forward and try to learn more about why I respond the way I do sometimes and make the changes that need to be made.
I love you two. All the time. Even when I’m frustrated. And if I ever say anything harsh or call you something inappropriate I don’t mean it…in fact almost as quickly as the words are spoken I want to pull them back in.
Today is a special day for you two. You’ve created this whole ‘homecoming’ thing that is all your own. Your getting hair done with two friends and nails and dressing up and going out for a nice dinner tonight and taking pictures. I get to be with you and enjoy it all. I want to start this day by telling you…your imperfect momma loves you. She may really screw up from time to time and not give you all you need…but she still loves you. She’s struggling to stay above the current herself on most days, especially by the end of the day and occasionally in her efforts to help you two swim she may pull you under just like a drowning person pulls the life guard under even though the life guard is there to help. Not because they want to or have evil will…just a natural reaction.
God is my life guard. He sees me when I’m drowning. He reaches in and pulls me out even when I clobber him up a bit or seem to fight against him. Sometimes I think I’m you guys life guard. And maybe as a mom I am just a little…but honestly, more and more we are swimming in the same ocean of life, trying to stay above it all for ourself. The older you get, the deeper we go, the less I can ‘save’ you.
This morning…I’m just reminded that anytime I think it’s my job to do all the saving I’m delusional. You need grace and so do I.
Please forgive me. Please trust that I love you…even when I screw up. This is real life.
Love your momma who feels a little broken this morning.